I don't know why- but I am better at having one "Best" friend than being good friends with a big group. It's always been that way with me- my whole life. I've never been okay with just being a part of a crowd and leaving it at that. I just feel like I need to have one person that I can really trust- that understands me and how I'm feeling before I even have to say anything. I love hanging out in groups- when I have close friends there- but I dislike being in groups when everyone has inside jokes that they bring up all night... and you just kinda have to smile and pretend like you "get it". I just need one friend that I feel super comfortable crying, laughing, shopping, driving, looking like crap, sounding like an idiot, etc... with. Tonight, I am wishing for a best friend because I need someone who understands me. Jason really is amazing- and my favorite person to be with ANY time - but... I think he's starting to get tired of me crying over EVERYTHING. My mom is really one of my best friends right now (and always has been)... but I think we're just SO close that neither one of us is afraid to tell the other person when we think they are acting dumb-which sometimes makes it easy to fight- and we're both so stressed out all the time that by the time we both let it all out we've been on the phone for over an hour... and I just don't have that much time every day. I have so many friends right now that I look up to and think are incredible- but to be honest- they all have their "best" friends already- and if they don't, they seem to have a big group of close friends instead. So... why am I feeling so needy tonight? Mmmmm.... probably because I have about 20 very important and 100 unimportant decisions to make in my life right now... and because I always have to have a plan and my best friend right now (Jason) is not soooo into planning.
Should we move or stay in our apartment that we have now? stay in Logan or move somewhere else? should I ever get pregnant? should Jason stay and get his masters? should he get a job? OR should he find a career? should I keep teaching kindergarten? what if I never get pregnant? then should I teach? should I teach part time instead of full day? If I stop teaching, how am I going to take apart my whole classroom alone after Jason's already gone? Why does Jason think that taking apart a classroom that you've basically lived in for 2 years should only take ummm... 4 days? (Maybe cuz he was gone when I set it up) And where the heck am I ever going to put all of it? Will we have enough money if I do stop teaching? If I stop teaching will I honestly be able to handle the last day of school-knowing I probably won't see my kids again? Are we going to be stuck in the cinder block palace forever? When should I buy my plan ticket for California? What day should I leave? Should I spend an extra month away from Jason so that I don't miss 2 of my best guy friends weddings? Is it worth staying an extra month- or will they even care? Why do I never like my hair? What can I do to fix it? Why do I cry over everything? and how come Jason never laughed at me when I cried when we were dating and now he says I overreact? Why do I have to over react about everything? Why can't Jason plan more- and I plan less? Why did we just buy an x-box and a wii and snowboards when everyone around us is losing their jobs?- and we are still living in cinder blocks so we obviously aren't supposed to be splurging right now! How long is all of this economy stuff going to last? How long is this post going to last? :) ... obviously... I could go on forever. I shouldn't have even written that much. In fact, I'm not sure if I'm even going to post this- I just needed to vent- and due to lack of a best friend that I feel comfortable enough bawling too... this is what you get. :) I should probably get a journal instead- so everyone in the world doesn't have to find out how I reeeeally am. Now I'm never going to have a real best friend again! :) jk.
5 comments:
I'll be your best friend! Gosh, if we lived by each other like we do in the summer, we would be! I love hanging out with you and talking about everything... all our problems and meaningless things. I think you are such a great friend because you are real. Tell it how it is. Thank you for that! I hope you get everything figured out. I get stressed out when I have a lot of decisions to make. It is overwhelming to make them all at once. The good thing is, is that they will everntually work themselves out in time. Try to answer the most important ones first or the ones that are in the nearest future. As for what I think: I think you should try getting prego! Yay! You could teach in the morning during and after for as long as you want. It would be the perfect job whether you need the money or not. That's my take :) GOod luck with everything and NEVER hesitate to call me! (I'm so excited Chelsie is going to be dancing with the stars!) (my phone was dead for a week, sorry I didn't text back!)
Oh Tiffany, I will be your bestie!!! This post makes me want to cry for you (and believe me, I'm pretty good at crying these days). I know EXACTLY how you feel. I felt all of these same feelings right down to the "when should we try for a baby? should I quit work? What if I can't get pregnant, will I have to work my whole life because I'll have no reason to stay home?"
If it makes you feel any better Taylor and I were married 4 years before we were able to get situated enough to try for a baby. Everyone just has their own time frame in life and you have to do what works best for you.
I am also a big time stresser/planner and I like to hash and re-hash every thing I'm thinking about, which is why I think I would be a good candidate as your BFF.
Also, you guys should definitely not move for at least another year and a half. Stick out the cinderblocks for a little longer. I just don't think I can bear another set of friends moving on while we're stuck here.... And, if you need any help taking down your classroom, I will totally be there because I'm also very OCD with organization and cleanliness (which is another great best friend quality, hahha)
Hope you feel better soon. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
Oh Tiffany, I'm sorry! I can relate, I am such an emotional bawl baby! I know it drives andrew nuts and he's gotta be wondering what he got himself into. I'm glad I'm not the only one. You've gotta stop worrying about everything at once and try to just live life as it comes or you're gonna have a mental breakdown! I know it's easier said than done. Fortunately, Andrew is the worrier in our family. I'm just the one that cries over stupid things all day. It seems like if you think about things too much, things become way too complicated. Just do what you feel at the moment and don't regret it! (maybe that's not such good advice!) But sometimes Andrew & I just say, okay, were gonna make this decision, it might or might not work out as planned, but that's life. If you want to move, move. If you want to get pregnant, get pregnant!! (yay!) Life will work itself out, I think! And have fun!!
So I just read this and had to smile becasue I talked to you about half of these things last night! It would appear that we have ALOT of the samee stuff on our minds... does that mean we still share a brain?? I hope so becsue you are the only person I'd trust with the other half of me. I love ya Tiff! You know you can cry to me ANYTIME.
Tiffany, I just have to tell you how much I love your honesty. When I was reading this, I felt like there was so so much I could relate to. I too love to have a plan; I get anxiety if I don't know what I'm going to be doing or where I'll be living, etc. Shane is really good about grounding me, but I agree, sometimes you just need to talk to someone and get out all of your feelings. Well, and I guess our husbands can only take so much (I drive Shane CRAZY when I try to hash out every little detail about something!) And I cry over a lot too. Sometimes things can just be so frustrating that the only way to feel better is to cry through it! I feel bad about not being a great friend. I was just telling Shane how sad I feel that we've lived so close to you guys this whole year and we still don't do things together that often. I think you guys are really awesome people and friends and I really hope that wherever you decide to go that we can stay in touch! I know this is kind of after the fact, but I am here if you ever need anything!
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