Crazy

I am just going crazy. I know it. CC RR AA ZZ YY.
My whole life I have LOVED kids. I LOVE them. HELLO. I taught Kindergarten. I volunteered in every Elementary class I could while I was in high school.  I chose babysitting on the weekends over dates. I drug all my cousins around as much as possible at every family gathering. I LOVE KIDS.
 
So does this not qualify me to be a fabulous mom?
 
Obviously, it does not.
 
I am SO tired. I am so lonely. I don't even want to make up another stupid song or talk in baby talk for 2 more minutes.
 
And I do not want help. PLEASE. Do not think I am writing this post for anyone's help.  I don't want anyone to offer to watch Ty or come visit me or give me an excuse to get out.  I just want to vent.  And tomorrow I'll be fine.
 
I just want Jason to stay home with us all the time.  Like when Ty was a newborn.  And help me.  So that I can learn how to be a parent with another parent- instead of all alone.  I want that peaceful, something straight from Heaven is in your arms feeling that I had with Ty in the beginning-instead of the frustrated feeling of a baby arching and wiggling to escape the second I try to pick him up.  I want my mom to live close so that I can leave- for 2 minutes- without putting a carseat in the car, and then a screaming baby, and then a bag of toys, and then a stroller, and then a diaper bag. I just want to GO!  But I only want to leave Ty with my mom or Jason.  I want Jason to take half the responsibility of being a parent. HELLO?! HOW did I not realize that this was not a responsibility that we could share?  Just because we BOTH decided it was time to finally start a family... why did it not occur to me that only my life would end. 
 
For all of you who always love being a mom every single day, good job. And I am serious, good job. I thought I would. That's why I'm going crazy.  Mostly because on top of feeling this way I have to feel guilty every second for feeling this way in the first place.  And I should.  Ty is the cutest baby. I KNOW!  How could I not just love every second of it? I don't know.  But I miss long showers.  I miss tanning.  I miss listening to speakers in church.  I miss eating warm food.  I miss movies.  I miss having fun with Jason. Blah.
 
I would NOT trade Ty for anything.  I WOULDN'T. 
 
WHY am I SO selfish.  Why didn't I realize my whole past life would be over? I didn't.  I didn't even understand.  I know this is just different.  And better- I have more good things now than I did before.  I just need to get used to it. 
 
Judge away on this post.  I'd probably judge me too.  I just needed to vent.